RARE DISEASE KEEPS WOMAN'S LEGS SPREAD

Trishia Bumbry doesn't want people to get the wrong idea, but they do anyway. Ms. Bumbry, a 24 year old former cocktail waitress is one of a tiny group of people suffering from spreadaloticus poontangia, a disease which causes sufferers legs to remain spread for several hours per day. Bumbry has had to stop attending church services, and rarely goes out in public because of the stigma attached to this condition. "I never know when an attack will hit me" Bumbry said in an interview with Gator Press. "I'll be talking with someone, then suddenly, boom! My legs are up damn near behind my ears, and I'm on the floor."
Sometimes it lasts for hours. Bumbry has had two pregnancies as a direct result of this condition, and now has to wear special stainless steel underwear to prevent fertilization when attacks occur. Although the disease was first identified in 1997, medical experts say the condition has existed for centuries, citing early writings from Africa which indicate that Queen Cleopatra may have even suffered from a mild case. Bumbry has become a spokesperson for the disease, and will appear on an upcoming episode of the Motel Williams television show, in a segment titled "Women Who Can't Keep Their Legs Closed". The disease has prevented Bumbry from finding employment, however she has received several marriage proposals from men sympathetic to her condition.

WOMAN'S LEGS TOGETHER AT LAST
A woman who suffers from a rare disease that causes her legs to spread has found a way to treat her illness. Trishia Bumbry had been diagnosed with "Speadaloticus Poontangia", a rare condition which causes the sufferer's legs to spread uncontrollably.
Doctor Myron Quackenbush of San Leon Barber College has developed a special pair of trousers that  effectively prevent Bumbry's legs from spreading more than 15 degrees. The pants are reinforced with soothing vibrators and solid steel supports.
Doctor Quackenbush tested the pants on a variety of subjects, and found them 100% effective and very popular. This discovery, it is believed, will give hope to thousands of woman who are unable to keep their legs together.