GRIDIRON REPORT:
POLECATS OVERCOME CRABS

The Polecats of Sam Houston Institute of Technology have won their first collegiate football game ever. The Polecats , behind the brutal running attack of fullback Herbert Hebert, and the "hail mary" passing of backup QB Hubert Hebert (no relation), racked up 6 TDs in a 44-42 victory over the Crabs of Texas Institute of Tobacco Sciences. The game was played before a crowd of dozens at Taxpayers Stadium on Sept. 1st. The Polecats (1-0), in the first year of their football program, compete in NCAA Class DD, where they are unranked. Sam Houston Institute of Technology is located near San Leon, in Galveston County, behind Zebras.
The Polecats lost starting quarterback Bug Hollister in a strange incident in which Brazoria County deputies arrested him on outstanding warrants following the opening coin toss.
Hollister was charged with Impromptu Use of a Phone Card and Unorthodox Behavior, allegedly committed in Brazoria in June.
Because the Crabs (0-2) are Brazoria's only collegiate team, Polecat fans thought the timing of the arrest may have been planned by Brazoria Deputies to help the Crabs win. A complaint was immediately filed with NCAA Regional Deputy Assistant Vice-Secretary Tommy Hooper's nephew-in-law, Hank.
Freshman backup QB Hebert, who was a Drawback at Santa Fe High School, threw 40 times, completing 6, all for TDs. He also threw 9 interceptions. The Crabs fell victim to their own mistakes however, fumbling the ball on each of their first eight offensive plays.
Polecats Punter Janik Pimula, the so-called "nude punter" made his debut in the 1st quarter, when the Polecats punted on a first and ten at the Crabs 40 yard line. Pimula, who belongs to a religious group (The Bathodists) that considers uniforms and soap an abomination to God, had sued the NCAA asking to be permitted to play nude. A compromise reached last week allowed Pimula to dress in special latex body-paints that resemble the school colors of brown & fleshtone. From a distance, Pimula appeared to be dressed in a SHIT uniform. Pimula punted 4 times and made 14 tackles, becoming the 2nd nude player ever to make a dozen tackles in one game. He also accidentally swallowed a blocked punt in the 3rd quarter. The Crabs put up a fight, with QB Jay Byrd tossing 4 TDs. A tragic injury occurred near the end of the game when the small waist-high cannon used to signal the two-minute warning was ignited by one of the Crabs coaching staff. The coach, Steve Pardonme, accidentally stood in front of the cannon while lighting the fuse. He suffered a very severe groin injury, and will miss the rest of the season. Reports indicate that due to his injuries he may accept a position as a falsetto castrato opera singer with the LaMarque Opera Company.
SHIT will face Anahuac Barber College; Atheist Seminary of the South; Lufkin Trucking Academy; and the Correspondence University of North Texas, during September. Nightmoves will cover the Polecats all season, so look for an update in our October issue.