Documents released by the Bureau of Homeland Security last month now indicate that government officials inside the Bush administration and religious leaders decided in 2001 to "reposition" the role played in the War On Terror by the Lord Jesus, in the interests of national security. The operation was run from the office of Vice President Cheney.
Church leaders whose names have not been released met privately with the VP shortly after 9-11 where secret discussions occurred. By March 2001, the  angry wrathful God of the Bible dating from Colonial times had been quietly replaced by a cuddly new character - a role that has been referred to privately as the "Oprah Jesus". Apparently, the traditional angry, judgmental God had been "testing negative" in polls.
While many Americans never noticed the change, the differences have been significant. Previously, if you succumbed to immorality, you provoked God's anger. Now, you simply hurt His easily bruised feelings. The new Jesus does not say inconvenient or controversial things, like war is bad, or divorce is a sin. Instead, He is more of a "buddy" figure. He cries while saying "I love you so much" like a strange  Orwellian codependent nightmare.
The new Jesus has suddenly become helplessly obsessed with His love for us, as if He spent decades having His power and morality bludgeoned out of Him by sensitivity training and anger management. In His newest incarnation, if you do something evil, instead of calling you into account and sending you to Hell, He meekly sits back and cries like a drunk drama queen watching "Terms of Endearment." With a resigned flip of His lustrous ash blond hair, Oprah Jesus dabs the tears from his cobalt blue eyes and watches you drown your children and set fire to your trailer, hoping you will get around to loving Him on the way down the tubes so He can give you all the neat stuff you want in the Hereafter!
Although all of the current Republican Presidential candidates claim to have a close relationship with the new Jesus, he has not appeared in campaign stops with any of them. Each of them has mentioned him in one way or another. Mike Huckleberry told an audience in South Carolina last month that "Jesus is my best friend", while candidate Rudy Giuiliani was heard to say "Jesus, get that <deleted> reporter out of here!"
A source told the Washington DC edition of NightMoves that the intent of the Cheney commission was to make our God seem nicer than the avenging angry Allah worshipped by Al Qaeda. "Our God has lightened up a bit, He's now the nicest God there is. He's the Doctor Phil of deities." the source said.
While there is no great outcry about the switch, and the new Jesus seems to be very popular, there are a few voices of dissent in the religious community.
"I want a tough Jesus who fries sinners in hell" says Youth minister Moe Lessiter of the Benevolent Brethren of the Cross and the Switchblade in Pasadena. "I like to see lightning strike down a few, some floods, pestilence, maybe even a plague or two. I like the idea of people plucking their eyes out. These are the tools of motivating people. People aren't supposed to actually like Him, they're supposed to fear Him. Otherwise, why bother?"
The new Lord has by all accounts been a huge financial success. Thousands have flocked to the non-judgmental and all-forgiving supreme being. No longer obsessed with arcane issues like holiness and purity, the new Lord can devote more effort to vital issues like collecting tithes and improving voter turnout. It's a win-win situation for all of the losers.
"We have added many new sheep to the flock" said Pastor P.P. Faundler of the Abundant Blessings Harvest Church. "The new role of the Lord makes Him more attractive to children, and we have really made an effort there. The kids see Jesus as a likeable, nice guy. He doesn't ever tell them anything about hell. He's more like Barney or Big Bird. And of course, this gets the parents involved in supporting the ministry" Faunldler said.
The Cheney cabal in 2001 also discussed the possibility of repositioning Satan, Prince of Darkness. The idea was to alter his features to appear Arabic. Satan has previously been recast as a Spaniard (during the Spanish-American War), a German (during WW1), and as Japanese (WW2).  The Arab version of Satan debuted the same month as the new Jesus., and has also been popular across a wide range of demographics.